Weight loss thoughts and Friend thoughts

So... I kind of gave up on the p90x for a couple of months.... first I got sick and then life happened and I just keep on finding new things and new excuses.  I know they are excuses and I know I should be better, I should be a go getter. I should just be up and at it right now even though it is after midnight and I have a little energy to spare.  ALTHOUGH I have lost weight, I have been watching what I eat I have TRIED to cut out as many drinks that isnt water as possible and have been more active with my little ladies.  So I guess I am not doing exactly what I set out to do and I am going to get back on it, I just wanted to express why I put a pause on it.  I was going to delete days 1 though 9 and then just totally redo it, but then I remembered I should show what speed bumps come up and then just restart while remembering what I am doing and why I am doing it.  I really need to come up with 90 days of reasons to get off the couch and do what I promised myself I would do.  Who knows, maybe I can start with the 90 days of reasons and turn it into a lifetime of reasons.

Part two of this is more of a venting session so if you are interested then go ahead and read on but if not... no harm done, I just need to think some things through and maybe someone can relate and/or give me advice.

Lately I have been thinking about the weight of some friendships on myself personally, I have been thinking about what the basis of a true friendship is and at what point to say no more... I have a friend whom I know will be there for me no matter what, but if I feel that friendship is fraught with questions of the persons motives and if they truly are my friend or just like to have me around because I encourage them... what is the basis of our friendship?  I know people become friends and stay great friends for a lifetime, and I feel as if I have a friend or two that I can honestly say you are my friend for life but at what point do you question the motives of the other person, do you ever wonder if they talk about you badly behind your back? Case in point... I had a recent disagreement with a friend and I asked her a personal question about what was going on and she shows someone else the text and they continue to talk about me like I am a monster for even questioning something the way I do because I am generally a concerned, caring person who knows about a ton of different stuff and try to help any way I can.  Well, the question was truthful and to find out that they talked about me like I was being heartless just asking a question makes me question what kind of friend that person is in the first place?  Do they just have me around to make themselves feel better?  Do they think about me in a positive way or negative way? Do they think my life is better or worse or even their own life is better or worse for having me in it?  I am confident in who I am and where I am, I know what I want from life, I know the type of friends I want to have and having the confidence and understanding to vocalize it is also important.  I am not one who can just call someone for a favor unless I have something else to talk about usually, I dont like calling for favors and I rarely ever use the fact that I am friends with someone as an excuse to pull strings to get what I want (I guess that accounts for why I still dont have a job).  For now, I will be praying for that right friend to come into my life... I have my absolute best friend, but I need some great girl friends in my life to uplift each others lives not weigh each other down, and jealous people need not apply, I have no time or space in my life for someone who thinks that just because I havent talked to them in a day or two that I am mad at them or starts stalking me... not an ideal situation because then I feel as if I should call every day out of obligation and not out of want to be active in your life.  Just like if you call, I will talk to you even if the conversation is lacking because I have a ton more on my mind that I cant vocalize... nothing personal just my way of working shit out.  Seriously... since I have been a military wife I have met some of the best people, but conversely some of the move unstable people of my life and for once I would like a little normalcy when it comes to the friends in my life, Part of me thinks the military attracts the crazy people and then the genuine people are just a little harder to find because the crazies are just so damn active.  OK so now for some serious thought and prayer on the topic of friends.  DEAR JESUS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me find a friend that is not crazy, quarky yes but crazy NO... someone who has a love for their husband, but doesnt lose their since of identity in their husband.  Who's husband will walk over hot coals in order to be with their wife and who will protect her and be her source of strength and not a source of bitterness. I know I have a few of these friends that are far away, and I know I will be able to be with those friends again some day soon but I would like a friend who is present in the here and now, not to replace those friends because no one could replace my handful of friends that have a heart like mine, but to embellish on the friendships I have now. Thank You GOD for everything and Thank you for having heard my prayer.

I started writing a whole different thing but deleted it because the tangent was too much for one blog post and well... I am not letting my ADHD control this blog (all the time) but I did want to share something that I wrote in there before I deleted it.
          "I wish I had a niche, where my words and thoughts just fit into one category and my brain would be accepted by the masses."
THOUGHTS?? I am always looking for input and

Day 9 P90X

So, I made up for my laziness over the last couple days. Not only did I Do day 8 and day 9 all in one day but I also walked a mile to and from my daughter's school pulling a wagon and I felt great.  Sure there were times I was thinking OUCH this sucks but honestly day 9 on P90X is worse, heck Day 8 was.  I am sunburned from yesterday when we went to the park (oops left that out) and all the extra burning of the energy I am feeling a little more drained lately BUT here goes nothing about explaining tonight's workout...  So I started doing my plyometrics workout and while I am uncoordinated as can be, I am trying to make it through these workouts without tripping on my two left feet.  It didnt help that Steven was making fun of me the whole time.  It didnt help that he and his friend were just sitting there making fun. I know they were kidding and I honestly dont care but I was laughing so much that I forgot the real reason I was getting made fun of in the first place... TO GET MY BUTT KICKED VIA DVD haha I feel like I have lost weight, I feel a little lighter on my feet but honestly I am nervous to look.  I have limited my sweets intake, I have limited most everything I drink to water or a little milk but VERY LIMITED.  I do feel so much better when I work out although my body feels like shutting down and saying screw it, we are on vacation and I dont want to be bothered by all this mess.  I wont give up on this dream of being healthy, I wont give up on my goal of being able to fit into my cute clothes again.  I can tell I have lost weight because I can find my hip bones without any real issue, I know I have lost weight because my clothes are fitting a little more loosely lately, and I can also tell I am losing weight because my brain is convinced of the fact that if I get off my ass I can and will have the body I have always dreamed of having.

Day 8 P90X

OOPS forgot there was a monday!! I didnt workout today because of the whole so busy my head was spinning thing but dont worry I made it up on Day 9.

Day 7 P90X

So day 7 was a day of rest, I was wanting to try the stretch X but it just didnt work out, so I took on a day of much needed rest.  It was really anything but restful but we will call it that because I didnt actually work out.  So I had a day to give my muscles some relaxation time and WOW did they ever.  They arent hurting and I have worked hard and sweated hard in order to make it all happen. Maybe I need to push myself harder but until this Saturday, I dont see myself getting much done other than projects and the minimum workout.  OOPS!  I guess I need to try harder to hurt more haha WAIT is there something wrong with me? YIKES!

Day 6 P90X

Wow Day 6 has been my most favorite work out yet! It is Kenpo X, there was a ton of kicking and punching, jumping and blocking.  I cant say that I was totally in my element because the punch jab kick combos are killer and I am not very coordinated BUT I seriously loved it.  I felt the burn AND had my heart rate going and I still have the energy to keep going but I have to get on with my plan for today.  Today I am going on a hot date with my Hubby.  6 days in I have more energy, and I do feel better than I have in forever.  In a few days I will post a picture looking at the changes I have made in a week.  Even if there isnt much change on the outside of my body the inside is soooo much better. Now just to seriousy watch what I eat... but HOW can i do that when so many DELICIOUS foods are bad for you?? haha See you on day 7!!  OH yeah the mioenergy water additive is delicious and it actually helps on those days you need the extra energy.  PLUS you can get a few energy drinks out of one bottle that costs less to maybe the same as one can of energy drinks.  Tomorrow is either stretch x or Yoga x... not sure what I will try tomorrow because i have a choice but I sure am going to love doing it.  Aside from listening to the P90X guy... he is slightly annoying BUT he is motivational so I will listen.

Day 5 P90X

As I stated in day 4 I didnt do my Yoga on day 4 so I did half of the Yoga work out on day 5 PLUS the whole work out on day 5. OUCH I may have almost over done it but I SURVIVED!! So I was also killing myself (during the work out) to burn off the brownies and cake I have eaten over the last couple of days.  The Brownies were my HUGE downfall, but they were delicious.  I replaced water for Cherry Juice and it added just a hint of delicious cherries... here is a little tip: make sure you have a ton of people there to share them with or you will eat the whole pan I know I almost did.  I know denying myself 100% of all things sweet would be horrible to do to myself because I want to be fit not grumpy haha. Getting back to topic at hand, the legs and back PULS ab ripper x was tough, pull ups of any type kick my butt, and then the leg workouts made me hurt at the moment but I barely feel it today so I must start working harder because as much as it sucks the pain the next day shows me that I am working hard.  OH yeah... I personally think resistance bands SUCK!! I have GOT to get some weights, OH yeah and remount the pull-up bar.

So the 1/2 Yoga session was HARD!!! seriously, I realize more and more I have zero balance.  I am guessing after time goes on I will be better at this whole thing.  Thanks to a friend letting me use her Yoga Mat, I can actually do the workouts but does anyone else have a problem with their hands getting sweaty making it hard to do all the poses on the ground? I know my hands get so slippery that I just had to put my towel on the mat so they dont slip haha

Day 4 P90X

Yeah so Day 4 was my 29th birthday, so seeing as I had my day full of appointments on top of the regular routine I totally missed my workout... unless you want to call going for my health assessment with them getting my heart rate up and all that stuff a workout but not quite how the p90x schedule wanted me to do it so... I did 1/2 the yoga workout on day 5 PLUS doing the day 5 work out.  So this will be a short blog because other than my BMI isnt as bad as I thought and to be within healthy range I only need to loose 6% and my heart rate is DOWN!! I believe my weight is down as well, but I didnt even look because I hate seeing what I weigh.  It actually is a slap in the face to stare at the scale especially when you think you are doing the right things... it was my prompt to do this, and the fact I will be 30 in less than a year and I dont want to start my 30's out in the body of my 20's... If at all possible I want to be better than my teens but for now lets reach for the goal of best I have ever been in my 20's.  

Day 3 P90X

Well, after last night my whole body is killing me but I press on.  Whew Shoulders and Arms PLUS ab ripper x?? OUCH!! it took everything in me to do the workout today. It took me knowing that I give up now I have let the fat win!  With the TV line up tonight I totally could have vegged out.  Some of the work outs were nearly impossible with the bands so I got the bottles of 64 FL OZ of juice with the easy grip to work with.  Sadly with some of the workouts it was exactly enough weight... apparently my triceps are not as strong as they used to be.  They say that bands will work exactly the same but I say NO WAY!! the transitions are harder to make sure the tension is the same on both arms, it gets wrapped up on my legs and it is just awkward.  I didnt give up today! I worked through the fact it hurt to stand up or sit down and not to mention the fact I had to lug Jocelyn around today including the outside of a building because I forgot to put her shoes on her when I quickly left the house this morning.  Tomorrow is the meeting with the people to do a health assessment, I am hoping my blood pressure is down and I have lost a lb or two, but I am not going to be upset if I havent seen amazing results in three days I am not giving up because I do deserve to have the body I have always wanted.  OK so now it is time to put away the juice bottles and bands, and now to get back to the house wife and mother tasks.  

Day 2 P90X

Plyometric workouts were super hard today, especially since I am hurting from yesterdays work out.  So there I was jumping around and everything, every jiggly part of my body bouncing around like it was totally acceptable for it to be doing that... at one point I was doing this jump turn thing and seriously I thought all my fat was going to just bounce off the floor and hit me in the face, but hey maybe that is what I need.  Maybe I need to be slapped in the face for letting myself get this out of control.  I guess it is important that I am realizing this now instead of later in life when my bones and joints are so worn out from carrying excess everything that I am falling apart with heart disease and all that fun stuff that comes with being overweight.  So, I am going to post pictures of my pre-body this isnt really pre-body because I took the pictures after the second work out but who cares, it isnt like 2 days are going to make that big of a difference.  I am posting these as a starting off point, please do not judge me and my body like ewww because it takes a big step in someone's life to actually say I have had enough.  I want to do this for me and I am tired of being unhealthy... they want you to take a picture of how you were before because of a reference point and I am sharing with everyone because I want to really document everything for you guys and for myself, and judgments are for high school and I assume anyone reading this is an adult and can react as such.  This is a big step for me, I dont take pictures of myself, let alone pictures of myself with my stomach just out there with all my stretch marks, fat and all that I have become.  So here I am

Front and side shots to get where my body is at this moment, I cant wait to see where I am in 90 days... where I am this time next year and where I will be in a few years from now but for now I am taking it one day at a time and GEEZE I hope I dont wake up so stiff in the morning I cant move because I want to successfully complete DAY3!!!! WOOOHOOOO  

Day 1 P90X

Ok I am going this the next day because of chaos in the house and taking my girls for a much needed hair cut.  I woke up hurting this morning:Arms, legs Back, abs, and head.  Seriously the head hurting was horrible but I think it has something to do with the whole lack of caffeine thing.  I have had nothing but water until dinner tonight.  Day 1 was filled with push-ups (I am sure I was doing it wrong) pull-ups (I know I was doing it wrong) and ab workouts (OUCH!!)

While I was doing my work out Jocelyn came in and started doing push-ups with me, luckily her push-ups
were as bad as mine but the sad thing is she is 3.  One thing that they say a ton in the videos is "do your best and forget the rest" that is going to have to be my motto over the next 90 days because I am always comparing myself to others and well, it is counter productive.  So here I am hurting from yesterdays work out but still proud that I stuck it out and finished the whole days worth of work outs.

Pre-P90X

So I have decided to start P90X, as a gift to myself, I am going to try to post every day and MAYBE post pictures of my journey.  I am nervous and excited about this.  Seriously I have been sitting on this system for about 2 years now and looking back, I am not sure why I haven't started it before.  Maybe I wasnt mad enough at myself, maybe I didnt think I deserved to look good and feel good or maybe I was scared but who knows?  maybe it has been all of the above.  I am looking forward to sharing this experience with everyone and who knows... I may become a p90x poster child.

So here is the plan, I am going to take pictures of myself *warning I may be a "little" out of shape* before, after and along the way, I am going to TRY to post every day over how I am feeling and what progress I feel I have made, and I am also going to just have to talk about my mental status as I cut out most sweets and fast food that I normally consume.  WOW I am nervous but I know at the end of the day I deserve to be healthy and to feel good in my own skin.

Any encouragement, advice and thoughts are always appreciated!  Maybe I should have started this three days ago when I started taking the osteo bi-flex.  OH just a tip with those supplements TAKE WITH FOOD!!! See you all tomorrow... you may get to see some delightful pictures of my before body, if I can get up the courage to post them.

let it be someone else's problem.

"My attitude is based on how you treat me." was a quote on someone's FB page and I have to disagree sure to some extent the people around you determine how you treat those people but I have noticed more and more that if you treat everyone great no matter if they are being little "grumpy" towards you, in the end it will always be someone else's problem.   If someone I run into is less than curious to me and I turn around and be rude to them how is that making me any better than what they are doing?  what because they did it first you should retaliate.  that is almost as silly as saying "oh you cheated on me so I am going to cheat back."  However, if you look the rude person in the eye when they are being rude, give them a smile and tell them to have a great day, who knows maybe it will change their day.  Either way, it is not your problem it is their own problem and you are not at their level for being rude back.  I guess what I am trying to say is being a mature person sometimes means that you need to just accept everyone with a grin on your face and maybe just maybe you will make a difference in their lives enough to change someone else's life too.  


I am getting on rants lately because the more I get to remove myself from a situation the more I can look more objectively at the situations that should or should not be.  I cant promise that I will always make the best decisions when it comes to things that I was just ranting about a little but I will try.  OH a second example of the quote is people using people to get what they want... You just be a good friend and then if that person starts to take advantage of you do not get mad just realize you are being the better person by being the example of what a real friend is.  Maybe not help as much unless you know that it is really needed but every time the problem falls on the user not the used.  

Happy Memorial Day?

So I know I am a little late on the whole Memorial day thing (busy lives and two children will make anyone late for anything) On memorial day this year my husband was driving back to Ft. Jackson where he will finish training when there are a ton of people out there that will be spending memorial day taking flags to sites where their loved ones have been laid to rest due to being killed in action.  Now I am no person that is looking for a reason to say it's not going to be a "happy" day but really why do we say happy memorial day? is it because we are hoping that those few that are recognizing a loved one will be telling about all the happy memories while the other people enjoy their day off on a boat.  Before I was a military wife, I was happy that I just got the day off with paid vacation time.  I was happy that the weekend was filled with camping and misadventures.  Looking back I believe I was being selfish not sending a single thought to my brain about what the holiday really means.  Now that I have been married into the military for nearly 5 years now, I am noticing things like Veterans day, I remember to tell my husband thank you.  On memorial day I remember those people that I have known that have lost their lives knowing that it could have been me tending the grave of a loved one.  So I do not want to say happy memorial day, I don't want to say happy like it is Christmas or Easter (two holidays filled with joy) I spent the day saying "I hope you enjoy your Memorial day" I know it is more words but really? the memory of these men and women killed in action although their lives may have been filled with joy their loss is a deep sorrow, so I hope everyone enjoyed their memorial day... mine was spent cleaning the house and remembering my friends and my friends family members killed in action.

THANK YOU MEN AND WOMEN FOR YOUR SACRIFICE, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE FOUGHT AND DIED IN THE SERVICE OF AMERICA I GENUINELY APPRECIATE YOUR SACRIFICE. You gave your life to give me the basic freedoms that others take for granted and that some lawyers are working so hard to take away.

the lady who sings and wrote this song is a wife of a marine killed in action, Check out her site: http://www.autumnusa.com/

fear of failure?

So I have come to the conclusion, I have a fear of failure that is keeping me from even trying.  I look at other people's lives and wonder if I had the nerves to try it where would I be?  would I be finished with school? Would I be making money instead of failing in school?  Why am I scared that I will fail without even trying.  Someone once said "if you dont try then you fail 100% of the time" What will it take for me to see that I need to finish school, I need to become a great example for my children and not give up when the going gets tough, I riddle my brain with things like this until I seem to just want to stop trying yet again instead of it giving me the motivation to say yes I can.  I get the feeling that I am smarter than I let myself believe but then sometimes not smart enough to keep up with assignments and dig my head into the sand that is facebook, tv or any other mundane thing that will keep my brain from accepting the brilliance of finishing a job or even starting.  If I were to have a new years resolution, it would have to be to FINISH what I start, not just start what I want to start but actually FINISH.  To not be scared of the outcome and just hammer those nails, whats the worst that could happen?? I finish it and it isnt exactly how I plan?  well, life is like that and sometimes you may end up with a slightly different plan but a finished product all the same.

Friends??

Do you ever see people and wonder how they have friends, the way they talk about people behind their back and then turn around and be best friends with them the very next moment?  I have started seeing it all too often.  I see the ladies in my neighborhood and wonder if I am missing some quality that would make me "friend material" and then I look at who the people are and then think... are all people that way or is it just a few people?  I want friends, I want to have positive people in my life that like me for me, but at what cost?  At what point do you let your guard down and actually accept that people are the way that they are and that being friends with someone will include being talked bad about behind your back.  What has spawned this feeling is when I was walking from my car earlier I overheard someone talking crap about me like I have done something to them, I basically stick to myself in this neighborhood because I know that these people will take what they can get from you and then run all over you when they get the chance,  I guess the fact that I say that doesnt make me any better than the rest of the people out there, but I am just not sure what else to say to make me feel comfortable being a face in the midst of a thousand other anonymous faces.  I would like to stand out in a crowd, to be more than the "oh what's her name" would be amazing to me but either I have put up a wall or two too high for anyone to want to breach or... I am not as pleasant and charming as I think I am.  Until I became a military wife, I was so self assured as to who I am and what my place is in the world, when I moved clear across the US leaving my friends and family (except Steven) I seem to have lost my former glory, being burned by so called friends and that general feeling of why was I not invited?  why are these people saying "I miss hanging out with you but I wont call and make you a priority to actually hang out with"  I guess it is just my insecurities and I know I have a couple AMAZING friends (and you know who you are) I am very thankful for the few that I can count on to be there for me as they know I am there for them.  I guess life is funny that way, when you have something great it is either sell yourself to find more people unlike yourself to fit in with OR you stick with the hand full of people that you can truly be yourself around and pray to God they accept the true you.  Well, that's my thought for the evening.  Sorry about being a little morose, I guess I have been a little cut off from the world lately and needed a little vent.

OH by the way I didnt go over this and spell check or make sure everything I have to say is totally understandable so if you have questions then just ask :)  not really concerned at this moment with the whole being understood, I am just thinking tonight and wanting to go to bed.  NIGHTY NIGHT ALL!!

FOR MY LITTLE LADIES!!

For my Girls!!

 





"It's Amazing"

Do it now
You know who you are
You feel it in your heart
And you're burning and wishing

At first, wait, won't get it on a plate
You're gonna work for it harder and harder
And I know 'cause I've been there before
Knocking on the doors with rejection 
And you'll see 'cause if it's meant to be
Nothing can compare to deserving your dream

[Chorus:]
It's amazing, it's amazing all that you can do
It's amazing, it makes my heart sing
Now it's up to you

Patience, now, frustration's in the air
And people who don't care
Well it's gonna get you down
And you'll fall 
Yes you will hit a wall
But get back on your feet
And you'll be stronger and smarter

And I know 'cause I've been there before
Knockin' down the doors, won't take "No" for an answer
And you'll see 'cause if it's meant to be
Nothing can compare to deserving your dream






I wanted to share this song and video because I am learning how important it is to have a positive person there to make you realize your dreams.  I hate that I was told "can't" and actually listened when I was growing up.  I realize eventually someone with a crappy idea to destroy all that is amazing and wonderful about a child will eventually tell them "no you cant do that because... (usually some shortcomings of themselves)" I want my girls to never think that just because they are not in the top of their class that they are not smart.  I understand most people have their shortcomings and most people will let that jade the rest of their lives, but I have learned one thing... anything good is often worth fighting for.  I have been told that I cant for so long I almost forgot that most people are so dumb that they refuse to see the brilliance in people.  I Hope and pray that my girls will find friends that are positive influences, I hope and pray that they see that they are so brilliant that they light up every room that they enter and I know they make my life so much better by them being in it. 


I LOVE MY BELLA BEAN AND JOCIE POO!!!
 

Wonderful World of Blogging

As I have been told by a few people, I should be blogging and as this will always be a work in progress I guess it should get better with time so, until I get used to the idea of sharing my thoughts with the world I guess it will be silly of me to think that my blog will be the best thing in the world at first.  

I want to take this time to introduce my family.

Steven and I 

He is totally my other half... I cant honestly say I am not whole without him because I was whole before I met him but my life has become so much more colorful and full of more laughter and meaning with him.

Annabella (Bella) 

My oldest daughter, she is a three year old to the core.  She is brilliant and wants to know everything.  Bella is a Strawberry Shortcake addict (I am talking about the movies not the food)  

Jocelyn 

She is my Second daughter, she is also a very brilliant little lady with the need to do exactly what her big sister does but with her own little twist.  

Jocelyn is a Mickey Mouse Club House fan, while she lacks the enthusiasm of Bella with her TV show selection her day is not complete without at least watching it one time.  

It is amazing how different my two little ladies are, while they are both smart, funny, charming, and totally the most Beautiful little girls I have ever seen in my life.  

So... this is my little family